Overcoming Tough Times

A year ago I was in a birthing pool asking my midwife, “Do you really think I can do it?” To which she replied, “You are doing it!” And within a few minutes, Brighton was in my arms.

What hard thing are you currently going through? If you are doubting your ability to get through it, remember, YOU ARE DOING IT.

I was in an excruciating amount of pain and couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I couldn’t go on and then suddenly, it was over. The reward was beyond what I could have comprehended. When I think back to that moment, I feel so strong and capable.

Just like many others, I am often guilty of wanting life to be happy and easy all of the time. I forget that so many good things in my life have come as a result of hard times. I have been shaped, molded and refined by difficult times in my life.

Be it physical, spiritual or emotional pain- You are doing it. You’re pushing through it and will be so much better for it. Don’t fight the pain. Embrace it and let it make you the best version of yourself.

If you are struggling to cope with a specific circumstance in your life, take a few minutes to write out everything that would be different about you and your current life if things had not happened the way that they did. I did this once with a situation that had bothered me for years. I realized that almost every aspect of my life would be different if that situation had not happened. This realization completely shifted my perspective. While I still don’t love the specific circumstance, I do love my life and the person I am because of it.

I recorded my birth story almost a year ago on my 24th birthday, three days after Brighton was born. While it was the most physically challenging experience of my life, it was also the most empowering. I’ve included it below for anyone who loves birth stories as much as I do!

With love,

Kaili

I woke up around 7:30 am to my first real contraction. I had been having Braxton Hicks almost every night for weeks so I knew immediately that these were different. They were painful and coming about  every 7 minutes. I was so excited to finally be in pain!

I woke Anders up to tell him and he immediately fell back asleep… Part of me wanted to be mad and the other part of me was too happy to care. I got up, showered, did my hair and made eggs and toast. Looking back I am so glad I ate a good breakfast quickly because within a couple of hours, eating would not have been an option due to how sick I started to feel.

I had made a birth playlist and expected that I’d want to use it, but when the time came, focusing in on my contractions felt the best to me. The contractions hurt but the fact that they were only lasting one minute each and were separated by several minutes made them totally bearable.

Once Anders got up I sent him to have my car washed and vacuumed because that was the one thing I hadn’t done in the midst of our move (we moved 5 days before my delivery!) I don’t know why that was so important to me at the time, but I really wanted to bring my baby home in a clean car for some reason! While he was gone, I marched around the living room during contractions and then got ready to go in between them. I’m sure I looked hilarious, but luckily no one was home to witness it! I labored mostly alone from the time I woke up until about noon when Anders got home and I have to say, that was so perfect for me! I am much tougher when I’m alone. When Anders got home, I just whined and made a scene because I knew I could and wanted him to know how bad it hurt! While I was alone, I just pushed through them and felt so tough. Weird, but true.

I ate a granola bar around the time Anders got home and all of the sudden my contractions sped up. They were about 3 minutes apart and getting more intense. I called the birthing center where I planned to deliver and told the midwife that my contractions were coming 2-3 minutes apart and lasting about 50 seconds each. I am a naturally cheerful person and apparently should have tried to sound less chipper on the phone. The midwife said I sounded good and that I should call back in and hour or so if the contractions were still that close together and were so strong that I couldn’t walk or talk through them (that last part is really bad advice, trust me. Do NOT wait that long!) I think I listened to her for a few reasons, 1) I had tried so hard to mentally prepare myself for a long labor and was trying to accept the fact that maybe I was just a wimp and was nowhere close to the end. 2) I had learned that leaving the environment you are in too early can stall labor. 3) I didn’t want to seem like an over eager first time mom so I kind of took this as a challenge… Knowing what I know now I would definitely have headed to the birthing center right then!

I laid down and was able to dose off for a few minutes. I had a 7 minute break between contractions and got really nervous. I told Anders I was afraid they would stop and did not want that to happen because I wanted my baby! Almost immediately after the break they began getting closer and closer and became extremely intense. I had mainly felt the contractions in my back to begin with but at this point, the nausea set in. I was throwing up and felt so terrible. I called the midwife back and we planned to both head to the birthing center. The contractions were 1.5-3 minutes apart at this point. During each contraction, I was on my hands and knees having Anders push on my back to get me through. I kept throwing up while Anders took our bags to the car. I was on my hands and knees on the bed when I heard a pop. My water broke. I cannot describe to you how much more painful the contractions got at that point. I told Anders I didn’t think I could get in the car. He said, “Woman! You will get in the car!” Just kidding. He didn’t say that. But I’m pretty sure that was what he was thinking. He got me out the door and although we had to stop multiple times, I made it through our apartment complex and to the car.

The car ride to the birthing center was excruciating. There was a decent amount of traffic, my contractions were coming closer and closer together and I was scared out of my mind. I will be honest, at this point, I was feeling like nothing could be worth this amount of pain. This was my first birth so the idea that a real baby was about to come out of me just felt so far fetched. It didn’t seem real! I told Anders I wanted a c-section next time around.

I started to notice that my contractions were overlapping and I remember reading that happens during transition. I wondered if I could possibly already be at that point. I couldn’t imagine going through this for much longer but also tried to prepare myself knowing I might have a lot longer to go. The ride seemed never ending. Occasionally I would get a break where I felt like I was dreaming. All of the sudden I told Anders I felt like I needed to push. He told me we were five minutes away. Thank goodness for my hubby, I would have had my baby in our bedroom or the car if it weren’t for him. He was so sweet and helpful throughout my labor.

Finally we pulled up and the midwife was waiting for us at the door. I remember feeling relieved to see her, but also bitter that she had told me to wait to come in! I knelt on the ground on my way into the birthing suite to get through another contraction. When we got to the room, the midwife checked me and said I was 9.5 cm dilated. I was HYPE! Well kind of, I barely felt like I was alive at that point. They helped me into the birthing tub and sent Anders to change into his swimsuit. I hadn’t decided whether I wanted to birth in the tub ahead of time but I was up for anything that would ease the pain at that point. The water actually helped so much! The nurse mentioned it was Groundhog’s Day and I remember saying I never wanted to relive this day (so funny because a year later, I am wishing I could go back and do this day all over again!) A couple of pushes in I started to doubt myself and asked them if they really thought I could do it. The midwife said, “You are doing it!” I wanted to hug her.

Another midwife was helping with the delivery and after a few minutes said, “One of two more pushes and she’ll be out!” I did NOT believe her at all, but she gave me a little glimmer of hope. I thought, “Sounds very unrealistic, but I’m slightly encouraged by it.” I decided that I would give it my all and just see. I felt the next contraction coming and got ready. I screamed like a crazy person the first time I really pushed. I thought to myself, “that was weird, I shouldn’t scream like that ever again.” But I couldn’t help it, the next set of contractions I screamed even louder. And all of the sudden, I felt my baby slide out. They put her in my arms and I felt a rush of relief. It was over and my baby was here. When I typed all of this right after the birth I wrote, “I have fallen completely in love with my little Brighton. I would do it all over again to get her here.” I feel the exact same way a year later.