Overreacting has been my spiritual gift since I was a young child. During the first year of my marriage, it was practically my full-time job. We’re on year four now and I’m slowly tapering down to part-time! Do you overreact towards your husband, significant other, your kids or family members? Below, I’m sharing how to stop!
Did you know that the only person on earth who can make you feel anything, A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G, is you? Yes you heard me sister! It’s understandable that you would think otherwise since you were probably raised hearing things like, “You hurt her feelings” or “Did she hurt your feelings?” The truth is, your grandma meant well but she was confused. It is your thoughts that cause your feelings, not the things others say or do.
Let me give you an example…
Your husband forgets your anniversary.
Suddenly, your feelings are hurt.
Stop right there! Your husband’s oversight alone cannot make you feel anything. When you realized he forgot, you had a thought about it. Maybe the thought was, “He doesn’t care about me.” When you think that thought, you feel angry, sad, hurt and so on. When you choose to think the thought, “He doesn’t care about me,” you hurt your own feelings.
Your thoughts are what cause you to “overreact” every single time.
Anders hasn’t forgotten our anniversary (yet), but this would be a situation I’d really need to coach myself through in order to avoid overreacting. The trick is to change your thought before it’s too late. The new thought must be believable so “he’s so thoughtful” may not work on this particular day… However, “I know he would never intentionally forget our anniversary” might be just enough to calm you down. At first, switching to a new thought won’t work in the moment and you will only recognize where you went wrong after the fact. Do not beat yourself up over this! Gaining awareness is the first step to solving the problem.
I’ve created a five step exercise that you can complete any time you overreact. Use a pen and paper when going through it rather than trying to do it in your head.
1. Write down an incident where you overreacted.
2. What emotions were you feeling at the time? Write them down.
3. What was “the thought” that caused those emotions?
4. Brainstorm alternative thoughts.
5. Lastly, the next time you find yourself about to overreact, try to pause and recognize the thought that is causing your feeling. The more awareness you gain, the easier it will be to choose a new thought that serves you better.
This is not a quick fix and certainly won’t solve your problems overnight. Your brain loves to run on default so you’ll have to put in that work to rewire it but girl is it worth it! This will be the best work you ever do, for yourself and all of the generations who will be influenced by you.
I’m cheering you on!
Love,
Kaili Jacobson is a Certified Life Coach for mamas and the founder of Good Thoughts Rising. She helps women navigate marriage, motherhood and meeting their own needs- plus all of the anxiety that comes with those responsibilities. She believes in eating all the chocolate chips and staying up late to enjoy the silence. Kaili is a North Carolina native, but now resides in Charleston, SC with her husband and their darling little girl.